A life of Our Own

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As I embrace life as young woman I think back to my bob cut bangs and sneakers and rucksacks, the skirts and neckties with carefully contained hair, the excitement of discovering and then discussing to death every minute detail of something new, the loss of things and people and shattering of hopes and dreams, when every little joy made life just perfect and every little disappointment brought a firm belief that now,  life is ruined, when a bad haircut or a pimple or tanning or chipped nails were potent enough to take one’s self confidence for a ride, when having a large circle of friends was the aim of life, and crushes the lifeline, when a boyfriend could be the only way to be “cool’’ and love meant “once and forever’’…

 I wonder if we have only outgrown our skirts and sneakers and ribbons, or is there much more than that which we have left behind? And I feel elated, as I recount some of the very basic essentials of our life and identity melting away, falling behind as we proceed on this clichéd path of life!

The ways which we have learnt, not only to accept, but to love and be proud of our selves, the way we are, in all our shortness and fatness and darkness and frizzy or lack hair-ness and pimply-ness and with all our mood swings and ready tears and flirty laughs and silly tantrums… and the many ways in which we dare the world to accept us for what we are else go take a walk!

 We do believe in love- ah yes!- but not in fairytale romances anymore, well, not always at least!  When a love is lost, we are happy to let it silently dwell and perfume the pages of our diaries and the corners of our heart, and we seek, yet again for something new to fill the vacuum with all new bliss, and hopes and fears. We are not afraid anymore, as we don’t believe love ought to happen once and stay forever…  There is a joy in this seeking, as we seek parts of our self, of that girl who we could perhaps never completely know and of that woman who one day we would love to know every part of; as she comes out and shows herself to us, one glimpse at a time, sometimes fleeting, and sometimes sharing a long conversation with us..  

 We have wanted to, yearned to, and lived to rebel; yet always been haunted and intimidated by the need to be ‘good’. It excites me as I look around myself, and see and share the very many different descriptions of that word we have brought unto ourselves, and if it still isn’t enough, we don’t give a damn! But the idea is not to rebel, but to assert, and be comfortable, to live and to laugh, to accept the bitter dose of hurt and disappointment but not to smile through it- why should we? We find no reason to be the ever smiling, ever accepting sugar girls, we like Cinderella for her night time sojourns and not for her endurance!

 We get angry, demanding, upset and unreasonable .We refuse to forgive and forget unless we want to. We harbour not only love and patience and compassion but also jealousy and spite and desire and rage. We have mastered the skill of letting people be and know of its importance. We don’t laugh at someone, and neither take pity. We will date more than two guys at once, till we can gauge who is the best and bid goodbye to both if we feel like. We are sure of our desires and ambitions and will not let anything stop us from getting there. 

We aren’t scared of experimenting with our sexuality and neither with the latest cocktail in that pub! We do not mind being in a relationship even if it doesn’t lead to marriage, and don’t take any bullying at the workplace. We will be stubborn and unrelenting and yet charming; we know how to charm someone out of their wits. We will help someone cross the road but won’t refrain from cussing at the pervert leering from the next car’s window. We kiss someone we are not dating with as much ease as kicking someone’s nuts on being groped! 

We refuse to be called 'Baby' and doll up for a pretence. We wear what we like and where we want to and refuse to let anyone decide on our ‘decency’. Move over love and respect, we want cars and clothes and jewels and holidays and are not ashamed to say so. We won’t accept a cheating or dominating partner and won’t let anyone choose for us…

Morality for some may become a trap for others, and abhorrence for some maybe a choice for others. With these new found and yet being explored notions of good and bad, right and wrong, it is not sure if life is easier but at least it is life which one could call one’s own. Because who wants to be good, this is one life, all we want is to live. This piece is a toast, to all my young women, lets grab our favorite  poison and raise a toast… to us, to life and the ways of living it that we constantly devise- to call it our own! Cheers!!!

~Kanika Goyal