Monday, 10 February 2014

Habits and heartbreak



That’s habit. No matter what you you do, once a habit, always a habit. It becomes a part of you, a part which does not go away. Your habit can range from the habit of an emotion, drinking, smoking, reading, cooking or the habit of a person.

Its not that the habit is wrong it’s just inculcated in your system. So when these habits are there, for the world you may have moved on but for yourself, your stuck a part of your mind still revolves around your habit. Its almost like an addiction, you can’t stop it just by declaring your need is over.

My habit was a person, a person who I was with, for a year in my life. One year with I can’t take away not from me, not from him not from anybody. Once habituated to that person, I did what any habit would make a person do. Go great lengths to complete my task, my task being- to be with him. Not now, but FOREVER.

And once you’ve habituated yourself to a person, even though the person may leave your habit does not.  What are you to do then? Drop the habit? No. you live with the habit.

From the day I met him for the first time till the day he walked out of my life. He had created a place in my heart that no one could take, a place that will be his, for ever more, in my heart. So how do you break a habit? I came up with many plans.

1.       Disconnect yourself from the person

I tried this. Immediately after the person decided to walk out of my life. Every road, every corner reminded me of him. I could sense his presence in every thing I did. So how do I? I dropped all the things he liked of me, I dropped all his things, I packed up all my emotions and I threw them away and then I asked myself, ‘is this it?’

2.       Find a new habit
Finding a new habit is not easy. In fact it’s very tedious. It’s been 2 years and I’ve found no new habit and then I realized it’s because I never let myself be open to new habits because a bit of it was still in my system, still in me. So how do I let go?

3.       Build will power to break the habit
So as my last resort I tried to break the habit with my will power. Tried never thinking about it, tried not to push myself about it, tried not to cry about it and instead I just did the opposite I pulled myself closer to the habit.

So after all the unsuccessful tries I asked my self ‘which function has this habit for me? What does it really do for me? What pleasure does this habit give me? Which pain do I avoid with this behavior? Does it make me feel more confident?’

And with asking such questions I found that even though this person brings upon a bundle of bitter-sweet memories, he is just a habit I’ll have to stay with forever. I may have tried moving on but maybe I’ll never will and now, after all these days, months and years I think maybe that the best. 
Which function has this habit for me?  Maybe I was used to being told how nice I am; maybe I was used to being looked after, maybe, no, not maybe, and I WAS HABITUATED TO IT. And when someday it’s taken away from you all you do is, hope it comes back. But not always what leaves comes back to you. Sometimes it’s meant to be left, left alone.
 What does it really do for me?  Nothing. This habit only brings back memories of how it used to be. Of how ‘WE’ used to be.  A very wise friend of mine once said ‘We know Joy because we've felt Pain.’ So maybe this habit taught me the value of happiness. Happiness is a mood, not a destination. So we keep on finding happiness we may never find it. Instead if we are open to make ourselves feel the feelings that surround us we might find happiness in every tiny bit of our lives. When you see a two year old smile at you looking silly, you fell happy, it’s not because you’ve never seen anything so innocent, it’s because you’ve seen the face of a person in despair, in anger or in the face of death. 
What pleasure does this habit give me? The only pleasure this habit gave me was the moments that I could steal away, the moments which bring me happiness and laughter. But it’s the same memories that make me realize no matter ho much I relive them, they are still memories, in my heart, in my mind.
Which pain do I avoid with this behavior? The pain that is making me put pen on paper, which I hide behind my words, is the pain I avoid. I avoid making another habit, I avoid never being able to get out of this habit, I avoid moving on, and I avoid my love for the habit.
Does it make me feel more confident? No and yes.  This habit brings the best and the worst out in me. It makes me realize what I can be and what I’ve been. I feel vulnerable to things, I feel naked emotions, I feel overwhelmed but then again it’s ok to feel so. It makes me realize that being moved on and pretending to move on is just as real as it gets. It’s not that I do not want to get rid of the habit it’s just that maybe a part of me doesn’t want to let go. And now, maybe I’m ok with it. I’ve accepted this habit as a part of my life which has made me stronger. Thee fact of my acceptance is credited to my need and want of the habit. The need of making me stronger and the want of never letting go.



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